Nightdream Soliloquies

By J

Splinter, Softened  

Sit down low 

Settle in 

Sorry, the couch is a little broken there, 

Better watch for splinters. 

Let’s turn the heater on 

The power bill finally got paid. 

Fuck the air is frigid. 

Those curtains look like they stink. 

A few creaks and lurches 

But the heater works. 

The moths got a few of my books but, 

feel free to open them. 

I don’t really look up vegan recipes anymore.  

Chuck a scarf over that light, will ya? 

It looks like a fucking hospital in here! 

Fucking hell bitch 

Give me a break! 

I just moved in like, 28 years ago 

The walls aren’t too bare though 

I didn’t tear everything down 

Just enough to fit that new painting in. 

My friend did it 

She’s a fabulous artist. 

Let’s make some tea 

And I’ve got some cheese too 

Not the fancy shit, 

I’m still me, after all. 

I’ve got something to tell you 

I bought a new soap. 

I’ve been sleeping for 22 hours a day. 

I asked for help. 

I don’t sleep with a knife anymore. 

I got out of bed. 

I brushed my teeth. 

I missed you so badly my chest collapsed on itself. I made a pie. 

I think maybe one day I’ll forgive myself. 

Do you want to stay the night? 

I’m so warm here 

Let’s stay a while. 

Let’s hold each other on the scratchy couch.  

Maybe you can stay?  

Maybe you can see me? 

Maybe I can fall asleep on your shoulder again.  

Is that a yes?  

---

Thorn  

I’m burying you already  

Boring into my chest  

Making a home for you  

I’ll cave it in 

Trapping you inside  

My sweetest prisoner  

Wallpaper with your poems  

Spit into my bloodstream  

Shall I die with you inside?  

There’s a reason why  

People don’t sit 

Next to me on the tram  

Venus fly trap  

My skin is so  

Sickenly sweet  

So much  

So soon  

I’m too high  

I’m fucking sick  

Repeating patterns  

When I know better  

Fuck it 

Being sliced open  

Reminds me I’m alive  

I never learn 

I’ll bleed 

Again and again

Know now 

That I am in 

The soundest of minds 

On my knees

Begging 

For a whipping 

Fuck 

The nihilism

Out of me 

Evidence says 

I’ll be nothing but a husk 

After this 

And I’ll get up 

Drag myself to my feet 

And fall to my knees again 

---

Decay + Surrender  

They pulled me down to earth  

Made me into dirt 

It’s time to let the flesh go  

Become maggot  

Become bacteria  

Become worm  

Become soil  

Become earth  

Become death  

Become birth  

I can feel my heart again 

Feel the goosebumps on my skin  

After years in a matchbox 

I want to sin  

Become air  

Become light  

Become surrender  

Become fight  

I can feel my blood again  

Underneath flesh 

I feel muscle 

Tendon  

Fat 

Free of rot  

Become decay 

Become strife  

Become rebirth  

Become life  

---

J (they/them) is a multidisciplinary creative originally hailing from Nipaluna, now based in Naarm. Their creative practice encompasses drag, performance art, production, design and written works. a lifelong writer, their poetry is a freeform exploration of the dark, sexy underbellies of queer life. Love, reinvention, destruction, decay. Through writing, J explores the nihilism and snark that sometimes clouds their otherwise optimistic worldview. Sharp, simple, painful. Please enjoy J's first published works. Follow J on Instagram: @Jay__walkinggg

Photo credit: Harley Ryan @doomstone_photography