Misadventures In Transgender Self-Integration

VISUAL ART
Apr 15
2 min read

By Dietz

My name is Dietz. I haven’t settled on a new first name so I am just... Dietz. I first found out about 'transgenderism' in my senior year of High School from my then-partner and current best friend (who has since changed their name and undergone top surgery.) For the past decade the thought of transition has weighed on me, enticed me, and tortured me. I’ve tried to bury these feelings and thoughts to no avail yet in embracing them I still struggle to find answers. I cannot answer the barrage of questions that come with the cisgendered people in my life... I am still trying to answer them myself. At a certain point the frustration became too much to bear so as an artist I picked up a pen.

The pieces you see here come from my journey of self-integration and the frustrating truth that there are no concrete answers... Just feelings. Oh, how I wish there was a scan or test that could just tell me what or why I am with a series of complex scientific equations that no one will question. I feel like a child constantly running up to the ocean only to run back when the icy water hits my feet. How can I be sure my gender dysphoria doesn’t stem from some alternative misplaced physiological issue? What if I am getting it all wrong? Why am I the only one who can answer these questions? If you’ve ever been burdened with these questions you are not alone.

I feel like we so often see the confident transgender spokesperson or activist who seemingly knows all the answers, I am not that person. I don’t know anything and I’ve got more questions than answers but here I am. I want you to know, whoever is reading this... you don’t have to be perfect, you don’t have to know all the answers, you can just exist and figure it out as you go.

I cannot answer the barrage of questions that come with the cisgendered people in my life... I am still trying to answer them myself. At a certain point the frustration became too much to bear so as an artist I picked up a pen. — **Manor Muppet**

Black-and-white illustrated comic showing a mermaid reclining on rocks beside a lighthouse, gesturing as handwritten text reflects on lighthouse keepers going mad and dreaming of mermaids, questioning “have I gone mad with yearning?” — **Mermaid Yearning**

Black-and-white comic panel showing two expressive figures: one reaching forward and shouting “WHAT’S MY WHOLE DEAL?!” while the other, distressed and being grabbed, replies “IDK I JUST WORK HERE.” — **Dietz vs Dietz**

Black-and-white illustration of a nude figure sitting on a crescent moon holding a cigarette. Handwritten text surrounds them, while a crowd of raised hands below reaches up offering flowers. The phrases read "I won't lie, a lot of this is to look pretty, to be wanted, desired and adored" and “I am tad vain.” — **Vain Dietz**

Bio: Dietz (they/them) is a British born artist-in-exile. They are currently in the process of understanding their gender one day at a time. They primarily work in digital but with a gritty traditional feel.

Follow Dietz on Instagram @ dietz_the_art