Poetry in Motion: Turning Deep Emotions into Something Beautiful

By Amethisté Allustria Amor

My Bisexual Life: What Pride Means to Me 

12 years old, don’t understand what I feel. 

How can this heart racing and butterflies be real? 

I get giddy around you as I have done with boys, 

My mind won’t stay quiet, so full of noise. 

A falling out that felt like heartbreak 

These feelings can’t be real, they must be a mistake 

Why is this happening to me – for goodness sake. 

13 years old things started to click 

Someone mentioned the word ‘bisexual’, my brain went ‘tick tick tick’ 

That lightbulb moment, that’s what I’ve been feeling! 

I’m not going crazy, but now I’m reeling. 

This must be wrong, or at least that’s what I’d been taught. 

I shouldn’t have both girls and boys in my thoughts, 

My heart is betraying me and I’m distraught.  

Kids at school mocked and bullied,  

Made me feel dirty and my name was being sullied. 

Adults weren’t much better, told me it was just a phase, 

That I’d pick a side one of these days, 

That there was no middle, just straight or gay. 

With teenage years came experimentation, 

Confusion causing complication. 

There was joy, there were highs and lows, 

Crushing hard on straight girls, that was always a blow! 

But things I look back on now as life ebbs and flows. 

Life went on, I grew and aged, 

Still felt I should ‘pick a side’ and end the ‘phase’. 

Sexuality can be fluid, sometimes I preferred women, sometimes men were more for me. 

But there’s always been some level of attraction to more than one gender, both physically and emotionally. 

Dating could be a minefield; some men would fetishise and some just didn’t understand.  

Pushed it down, wouldn’t celebrate that part of me, it didn’t fit their heteronormative plans. 

Some women thought I would cheat or called me ‘greedy’, 

When really I just wanted to be loved, wholly; by one person – whether male, female, or anywhere in between;  

is that too much to ask, really? 

Now in my 30s I’ve reclaimed who I am, 

I’m loved and celebrated by a wonderful man, 

I make myself visible to show the world 

That’s it’s perfectly fine to love boys and girls.  

So if you see me wearing the bi flag and pride themed clothes, 

Yes, I’m happy that everyone knows! 

If that teenager who’s scared to come out, or is being mocked and hurt 

Or the adult who feels a part of them is hidden in the dirt –

sees what I’m wearing and it makes them feel safe, 

To know they can be themselves, and it helps them to feel brave. 

Then I’m doing something right as a member of the queer community, 

To my beautiful rainbow family at all ends of the queer spectrum, we need to have unity. 

And that’s why pride is important and what it means to me. 

Beauty Between the Binaries 

Not quite one or the other  

A beautiful blend 

Femininity familiar  

Yet masculinity descends 

A combination of strengths 

Confusion, yet peace 

Compliments each other 

Like the flowers and the leaves 

To create a rainbow 

The sun and rain must meet 

Combine and come together  

To make something so sweet  

I am the rainbow; 

Femininity the water 

To hydrate and grow 

Masculinity, the sun 

Basking in its glow 

‘Non-binary’, the common term, 

‘Demigirl’, the term I choose 

To truly encompass  

Two forms of beauty infused. 

Primarily female 

You can call me ‘she’ or ‘they’ 

Masculinity, the missing piece, 

The rainbow in the grey. 

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Bio: Amethisté Allustria Amor (she/they) is a multi disciplined burlesque dancer, hula hooper, singer, actress and poet from Hull, UK. She is proudly queer, bisexual and identifies as a demigirl. She has an alternative style, is unapologetically herself, body positive, sex positive and passionate about the LGBTQIA+ community, women’s rights, animal welfare and racial equality. 

You can follow Amethisté on Instagram @amethisteallustriaamor 

Photo credit: Courtney Gunn